SELF-ESTEEM
Self esteem is how we perceive ourselves; it is how we think the world feels about us.
For some people, a foundation for good self esteem was established in childhood; their parents or guardians did a good job of constantly affirming them and showing them that they are worthy of love and that they were valued but for others this was not the case.
Parenting styles are important in developing one’s self-esteem. If a parent corrects by constantly shouting and berating the child with insults and comparisons, chances are that child will become an adult with a low self-esteem.
Failure is a part of life and how we respond to failure is essential to how we move on from it. Our response to failure is a very important part of how we perceive our selves. Parenting styles must make accommodation for a child’s failures and teach them how to deal with it without feeling like they are worthless.
Friendships also play an important role in how we perceive ourselves; meeting friends that love us and are determined to make you see your best self is so important in building a good self-esteem. However, meeting people or school mates that bully you and constantly remind us of our short comings allows for a low sense of self.
I have struggled with a low self esteem for as long as I can remember. You see, my parents believed in constant correction and reproach, they believed that the best way to motivate my siblings and I was to compare us with our classmates, neighbors or cousins. They thought that if we saw the way these people behaved and imitated them then we would be as excellent. Nothing we ever did was excellent enough, there was always something to be corrected.
Sometimes a child needs to be rewarded for just trying but that wasn’t our case. At a point my siblings and I stopped trying because we saw no point, I mean if you are going to shout and tell us our work wasn’t good enough when we did our best, we might as well deliver mediocre results and receive the same negative feedback.
As an adult I still struggle with low self-esteem and I know I am not alone. There are thousands of articles online that talk about the best ways to build up one’s self-confidence; they include numerous acts of self-care, affirming your inner child, going to therapy, being vulnerable with friends and letting them in so that they can see your light and encourage you to shine.
It is not a crime to have a low self-esteem and we must make space for people that struggle with this. We as a community must recognize that not everybody had a foundation of affirmations and we must try to encourage each other to be the best versions of ourselves.
There are people that as a result of low self-esteem go on to make unnecessary adjustments to their bodies to boost their self-confidence and so that others will see them differently. (I would however like to point out that a low self-esteem is not always the reason for body adjustments).
Another aspect of low esteem is its effects on our friendships. Low self-esteem prevents us from being good friends. For a lot of us with this struggle, reaching out to friends can be a daunting task because we constantly have voices in our heads telling us that we aren’t good enough to be friends with a person and so we hide and not bother reaching out. We must try to not demonize our friends when they fail to reach out. It is difficult not to do so because when a friend constantly fails to reach out, we assume that the friendship is one sided.
This is where communication comes in, we should try to have these conversations with our friends that do not reach out, they might be dealing with low self-esteem, we should try to reach out to them and assure them that they are wanted. A simple check in message telling them they are loved, and they are missed goes a long way.
For us struggling with a low self-esteem, we must always remember that it is not our fault, it is not a crime and we can work through this. Though we are not to be blamed for this shortcoming it is our responsibility to be better; we can rely on our friends and loved ones for support, but it is still on us to do better.
We cannot go back to the past and change the constant negativity that surrounded our childhood, but we can talk to our inner child and let them know they are wonderful. We can constantly assure the neglected child in us and build them up by allowing space for failure and with affirmations. We can seek out positive friendships and connections and establish suitable boundaries. We must be mindful of who we allow in our space and cut out the negativity. Words can be harmful, but it is only the words we allow in that would take root.
We may not be able to do this by ourselves, building one’s self esteem can be hard. Therapy is a great way to build it up; find a therapist and do the work. Try also to believe your friends when they elevate and affirm you, when they tell you that you are beautiful and worthy, believe them. It might not be easy believing, but it is possible.
Finally, the people we invite into our spaces are so important, invite friends that love you and let their words hold you, let their actions elevate you and more importantly, be kind always to yourself. People are important and can boost your self-confidence, but an intense love of self is most important. You must trust and believe that you are wonderful because you are.
