R.I.P My Lover

I am just like everyone else,

Just a little bit more.

I love you but sometimes I cannot stand you.

I hear you when you say you love me but the voices always tell me it’s a lie.

I react to the voices when I scream at you.

When I tell you, you feel far away and you hate me that is me reacting to the voices.

It is just me and the voice.

It feels lonely up here.

They tell me your love is a lie and I believe.

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I do not mean to be a mess.

I want to be whole for you.

I want to be whole for me.

I want to be normal but I can’t stop the voice

It sees me just a little bit normal and is unhappy

It wants me drowning

I fear happiness because when it senses that it takes me back to the very bottom.

It wants me drowning

It wants me barely breathing

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And I pull you down with me.

I understood when you say you couldn’t anymore.

Most days I can’t either

But I am the owner of me so quitting is not that simple

My quitting will equate death so I won’t do that.

You have an option to quit on me and I admire that

I can’t.

I must guard me

So stay I must.

But goodbye though.

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It robs me of love

It has robbed me of you

It robs me of peace

Sex is still amazing and intense so that is a plus

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I ask the voice, will my life be void of romantic love because of you? It laughs

Am I going to continue to navigate my life without having a person to hold? It laughs

Right now I do not know.

All I know is that I have lost what could have been a lover

So goodbye and farewell, I guess.

This is not your cross to bear.